Perfect Team Up

While Macho Man Randy Savage’s long term relationship with Slim Jims was surely lucrative, I feel this would definitely be a better product for him to endorse:Randy-Savage-Kool-Aid-Oh-Yeah-shirt

 

1. I really need that shirt

2. Be a man, hulk. C’mon. Don’t be scurred. You’re running from Macho. That is what I have heard.

Bad Science

Science is great. Everything we have today is because of science. Science doesn’t lie. Sometimes there are mistakes. Then scientists repeat their experiments, try again, and solve the problems. In the end it works out.

It wasn’t always this way. Long ago you could blame the gods for just about anything. Lightning, crops, disease, rain – everything depended on whether a deity was pissed or happy with you. Over time we learned better, so the authority of divine prophecy has taken less of a hold over our everyday lives.

Which is great for everyone except the prophets.

So like snake oil salesman, they have to modernize to stay with the times. Now if you want to be an important busybody and tell other people how to live, you just have to clothe yourself in a lab jacket instead of a cassock.

It’s pretty obvious the Earth is 6 or 7 billion years old. We’ve got plenty of ways of estimating that. Fossils, carbon dating, thermal measurements, and cosmic drift all help. Telling the rubes “it’s not in the Bible so it ain’t true” went out of style in the 1920′s, so what is a determined zealot to do? Call yourself a creation scientist and preach the ‘theory’ [ironic finger quotes definitely intended] of Intelligent Design.

And boy, do these guys have to jump through some hoops to make everything fit. For example, you may not know that dinosaurs and humans were around at the same time. In fact, dinosaurs are still around today! Here, look:

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You can find accounts of thisthing all over the internet. It’s existence ‘proves’ [insanely ironic finger quotes] that evolution is a lie because dinosaurs are still around. I mean, case closed. Sure, here we are in 2013 and despite the fact that we have digital cameras, flying drone helicopters, remote control night-vision video, high resolution satellites, and dozens of eyewitnesses, nobody can come up with a single photo of this thing. But we have some third-hand accounts from Pygmies who don’t speak English, so that’s good enough official proof for me.

Wacky right-wing devotees aren’t the only ones to abuse science for their own cause. In this week’s New York Times is an article called ‘Nature’s Case For Same Sex Marriage’. Here’s an exerpt:

An inspection of the bark of these trees reveals garden snails grazing on thin, vertical lawns of lichens, yeasts and algae. Like the trees, each sexually mature snail makes both egg and sperm. Mating among these gastropods is charged with romantic tension; two males and two females are caught up in every embrace.

Essentially, different species work in different ways, therefore gay people aren’t a crime against Jesus. I don’t think this is a very convincing argument. “You think gay marriage is unnatural? Look, here’s some gay snails. Check out these bisexual bees. Take that, Dad!”

Gay squirrels

Gay squirrels

I hope you’ve learned your lesson from this article. When it comes to modern science, everyone has an agenda, and your best bet is to figure out what that agenda is before you listen to their advice.

PS: Don’t get me started on High Priest Al Gore.

untitlehjkd

We’ll Still Take Your Money Though

There’s a lot of nuttery in the press about gun control lately. Every time there’s a tragedy like the recent Newtown shootings, the usual gang of compassionate politicians pounce on it and attempt to pass new gun laws that usually have nothing to do with stopping the incidents themselves. Like the nutjob who shot up the Batman theatre would have changed his mind if he didn’t have access to a bayonet clip, which in a technicality turns his regular rifle into an assault rifle.

But lawmakers aren’t the only ones repressing your freedom. Here’s a fine story about Comcast cable. Gun stores are no longer able to show pictures of guns in their commercials. No bows either. They’re sort of dangerous too. In fact even having the word “Firearm” in your store name is too much, they ask you to remove it.

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It’s kind of beyond insane. Turn on cable any night of the week and see people shooting each other in horribly violent ways. But a store that shows people safely and responsibly using a firing range is too much. Comcast will still be happy to take your money, but “gun” is now one of the 7 words you can’t advertise on TV.

Go see GI Joe 2. In theaters now. Starring the Rock and a bunch of military hardware. Good clean fun for everybody.

Bear With Me

Our local multicultural grocer recently added Albanese Gummy Bears to the bulk candy section. They really stand out due to a bizarre mix of non-standard candy colors: amongst others chartreuse, cyan, sky blue, lavender, pink – these are not normal gummi-related hues.

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But the larger controversy is that Albanese Gummy Bears are not made in Albania. This was shocking to me. Instead, they’re made right here in Indiana by a family named Albanese. That’s easily a cause for confusion and I think they should change their name ASAP to something that isn’t also an ethnic minority.

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But in better news, these gummies are god-damn amazing. Like how Jelly-Bellies are a grade above normal jelly beans, these gummy bears are better than any other brand, even Haribo the supposed inventor of the candy genre. Albanese bears are larger, softer, and strongly infused with flavor. Go buy some now.

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They even have black ones, which unfortunately aren’t licorice flavored but still.

Oh no!

neidhart

Finding out that Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart was arrested for drugs isn’t very shocking. What is great however, is this stock photo chosen by Wrestleview to go along with the headline. I’d like to thing that was the face he’s making during his court sentencing hearing.